Amid the latest displays of hate and counter protests has emerged a new type of argument I’ll refer to as Nazi equivocating. Statements like “there was violence on both sides” and “not everyone there was a white supremacist” and people “needing to know all the facts” before they decide if the Nazis are the bad guys (like SOME PEOPLE have never seen a movie before. Trust me, the Nazis are always the bad guys). Being the informed citizen that I am, I decided to create a helpful guide to who and what are Nazis.
- If you spend time at protests shouting “Jews will not replace us” or hear people shouting “Jews will not replace us” and agree with this sentiment, you are a Nazi.
- If you look at cat pictures all day, you’re a cat person. Not a Nazi.
- If you are a member and/or supporter of Black Lives Matter and welcome all genders and races to fight against
institutional racism and police violence, you are not a Nazi.
- If you think BLM is a terrorist group on par with white supremacists and neo-Nazis, you are racist and willfully ignorant. But this view alone does not make you a Nazi.
- If you are a feminist, you are most likely not a Nazi. Nazism is inherently misogynistic. However, if you are a feminist who thinks the Final Solution was a neat plan, you actually can call yourself a Feminazi.
- If you think the Confederate flag and monuments to traitorous, racist secessionists are just “part of your heritage,” and should be protected you’re definitely a white supremacist, but not NECESSARILY a Nazi. Though I’ll be honest, the difference between a white supremacist and a Nazi seems to be largely semantic, so you’re probably a Nazi.
- If you think Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are “two sides of the same coin” I hate you and hope you fall off a ladder, but this idiotic opinion alone does not make you a Nazi.
- If you wear a pointy sheet over your head, yearn to lynch black people, and proclaim white is the superior race, you’re
a member of the KKK, and I’m just gonna go ahead and say you’re a Nazi because why split hairs at this point? If you just have a white towel over your head at the beach because that’s the towel you brought and you’re sunburned and you have to protect your face before you burst into flames, you are me.
- If you are white and use a machine gun, rifle, car, or bomb against innocent people at a club or school or movie theater or protest or restaurant or church, etc, you are a terrorist. If you’re white and you do this, I’m gonna guess you’re PROBABLY a Nazi. You definitely abuse women, that much we know for sure. Makes you wonder if we held violent men accountable for their violence against women if some of these terrorist acts could be avoided. But what do I know? I’m not as smart as men because my brain is smaller and has fewer folds.
- If you believe the shitty pseudoscience in the above sentence, you are a Nazi.
- If you think cheesecake is a cake and not a pie, you’re not a Nazi. You’re WRONG, but you’re not a Nazi.
- If you see a bunch of dumb losers carrying tiki torches and professing their devotion to keeping their country white and their bloodline pure so you go to protest against them because fuck them, amiright? you are not a Nazi. In fact, you are actively protesting Nazis. Good job!
- If you’re a dumb loser carrying a tiki torch and professing your devotion to keeping your country white and your
bloodline pure, you are a Nazi.
- If you’ve found yourself thinking “not all white people” or “I’m one of the good ones” recently, you’re not a Nazi. But I will tell you that if you’re not actively and vocally standing up to the people in your own lives who espouse some of this bullshit, you’re an enabler and not as good as you think. The good news is being a pussy ass centrist does not make you a Nazi.
- If you are LGBTQIA and participating in a pride celebration, you are not a Nazi. If you’re a straight ally participating in a LGBTQIA pride celebration, you are not a Nazi. If you’re Milo Yiannopoulos, you’re gay, but you’re a Nazi.
- If you have a tattoo of a swastika or a swastika flag, you’re a Nazi.
- If you think Mexicans are stealing our jobs and we need to build a wall and Muslims are the only terrorists so we need to ban them as a whole, you are a xenophobic, ill-informed racist, but not by definition a Nazi. There’s still hope for you! But be careful. You keep going down this road, you’re most likely going to fall in line with a lot of Nazis. I hope you’re not comfortable with that.
- If you drive five miles per hour below the speed limit in the left lane, you are a Nazi.
- If you do Nazi shit but then cry like a dum dum baby at the prospect of going to jail for your actions during what we all know is a neo-Nazi Klan rally or insist that despite the pictures of you screaming while marching with the aforementioned torches that you were a victim helpless against the romantic tide of white nationalism and there’s more to you than racism or you bristle at being called a Nazi because you know being a Nazi is still frowned upon even as you sputter through actual Nazi slogans, you’re a motherfucking Nazi.
- If you’re a pacifist who thinks it’s okay to punch Nazis, you’re not a Nazi. Also, it’s okay to punch Nazis. Always punch
Nazis. Because Nazis aren’t patriots. Captain America told us to punch Nazis. My grandfather didn’t spend years cracking Nazi codes so that seventy-five years later I could be a free speech absolutist and respect the rights of Nazis to have Nazi rallies in my backyard. If you agree with all that, you’re not a Nazi.
- If you’re still defending Donald Trump, you’re for sure a racist. I don’t know if you’re a Nazi. My guess is you are.
- If anything in this blog made you want to threaten to kill me, contact my employer to try to get me fired, or call me a fat slut white race traitor who should shut my hole and breed, then you’re a Nazi. Don’t fucking @ me, Nazi!
 I’m referring to our clown of a president.
 This might not be a genre or person that actually exists.
 See what I did there?
 Seriously, don’t. If you’re bristling at a single word I wrote, take a look at yourself, not me. I’m not the Nazi here.