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Old Fussy Pants

Old Fussy Pants

About a month ago, I was talking to my next-door neighbor, Delores. She hangs out with our cat to keep her company when we go out of town. She’s a great neighbor. We were discussing which of our other neighbors we’ve met. I told her about Scott the Retired Plumber, whom you’ve all met here before; we are both friendly with the Jehovah’s witnesses across the street and their awesome dog Harley; she ...[Read More]

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Shut Your Trap

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful, Shut Your Trap

We have to stop calling women who don’t wear makeup “brave.” Because it’s an insult. To be seen out in public as we are is not courageous, and really screw anyone who says it is. A child fighting cancer is brave. A woman pushing an eight-pound cannonball out of her vagina and committing the next 18 to 47 years of her life to raising a human is brave. A firefighter busting through a window and char ...[Read More]

Chupacabra

Chupacabra

When I was a kid, I was obsessed with a few specific unsolved crimes. I don’t know why or honestly how I learned about such things since the majority of my childhood was pre-Internet. Maybe it was the constant Unsolved Mysteries viewings. I was particularly fascinated by the Keddie Cabin Murders. In April 1981, five months before I was born, a mother, her teenage son, and his friend were beaten to ...[Read More]

The Appliance Chronicles

The Appliance Chronicles

About a month after I moved into my new house, I noticed my garbage disposal was leaking. A few weeks after that, I bought a new garbage disposal to install. Just ten short months later, this past Monday, I finally decided, “Today is the day, Nicole. Today is the day you install your brand new garbage disposal after contemplating its existential nature for 280 days.” It was the perfect day for suc ...[Read More]

Crime And Parking In Myrtle Beach

Crime And Parking In Myrtle Beach

Let me tell you a little something about Myrtle Beach. It’s not a nice place to live. The crime rates are ridiculous. Your chances of becoming a victim of violent crime in Myrtle Beach are three times higher than the national average. Property crime? Forget it. You’re going to get robbed. The national median for property crime is 26 victims per 1,000 citizens. In Myrtle Beach, it’s 157.91 per 1,00 ...[Read More]

Swing And A Big, Fat Miss

Swing And A Big, Fat Miss

It has taken me a while to work up the nerve to write this blog. I was afraid my faithful, hilarious, compassionate readers would think the obvious villain in this little tale had a point. In the end, I decided to share for a couple of reasons. One, to put this incident behind me; and two, I’m sure something like this has happened to other people Many months ago, I was at the gym, doing my thing. ...[Read More]

Tailgate En Plein Air

Tailgate En Plein Air

Last summer, my buddy Dawn invited me to Santa Fe for something I never in a million years thought I’d want to do. A three day blitz at the opera. Dawn’s son was an apprentice at the Santa Fe Opera, one of the most prestigious companies in the world, and her husband decided to skip this trip having gone the year before, so she wanted a traveling buddy. Related posts: Kitchen Sets and Fear of Commi ...[Read More]